Choices, Choices

I recently read a story about a young woman who went through unspeakable trauma.

Through questionable circumstances, married an equally traumatized man.

Both of these individuals had survived unspeakable horrors. It was really hard for me to read this book I confess. I did a lot of crying. I put the book down for several months, but couldn’t quite leave it alone. I NEEDED to know what happens to these two.

I needed that happy ending. I know it’s possible. Happy endings are always possible. They aren’t the constant state, but they are attainable. But I digress.

The husband was orphaned at a young age and had to be constantly looking out for himself. He had come far, clawing himself up to a stable place. He lived in solitude and was content to be so, avoiding further trauma in his life. Should any appear, he was willing to fight to the end.

The wife had a different set of struggles that continued to get worse through the book. The physical, mental and emotional abuse this woman suffered are simply unspeakable. She believed herself worthy of the abuse.

First of all, no matter the struggle, NO ONE deserves cruelty. Neither he nor she deserved such struggles. That does not change the fact that they are part of life. They happen, and we are faced with choices. The first and biggest choice we make is to allow these circumstances (actually ANY circumstance- good or bad) to allow us to become bitter or better.

The first time I heard this concept, it changed my life. I have since used it as a mantra anytime I find myself getting upset, I stop to take a breath and think of this. Bitter or better? Who do I want to be?

Back to the story I read and the lesson I learned. The man and woman had a lot in common. They never discovered this, despite marriage. (At least not that I know of- it’s a series and I just finished book two. There is more to the story. This may change. And I really hope it does.)

I was fascinated watching the woman find a silent strength to start changing a life that she felt trapped in for so long. I watched the man slowly lose his footing with no one in his life to trust and turn to for help. The woman, through her struggles was still open and loving and trusting of people, who were always willing to lend a hand, though she often denied the help. Knowing they were there was enough.

As the man became more closed off and distant to those around him. He was closed off, slow to trust, demanding and quick to anger. As the books progress, his tightly controlled life started to fray. He started to lose his footing.

Sure, the specifics are different, but these two had very similar backgrounds. Trauma, pain and betrayal. However, both of them faced those backgrounds very differently.

While she continued to be open and continued to be hurt, she found strength through her pain. She took charge and began to change her life. She is moving forward.

He, like so many of us today, became distant. This made him stagnant and regressed as those around him moved forward.

Certainly something to think about. We each face our own demons. Do they win? Do those demons manage to close us off and isolate us? Do we become miserable as a result?

Or do we conquer those demons, by remaining… well, human for lack of a better word. Do we continue to feel and hurt and most importantly, heal?

Healing is hard. Been there, I totally get it. It’s hard not to shut down, to avoid feeling pain, to stop future hurt.

However, in order to heal, we have to do the exact opposite. And healing is the only way to not let it affect us. Every. Single. Day. I don’t know about you, but I have better things to do than hurt.