Oh darling! That is so, so difficult, and I'm sorry you experienced that.

You do bring up a very good point and I should write a follow up to this and go more in depth about the topic of healing.

Healing always requires forgiveness. No person is perfect, and whether it is a physical scratch from a papercut, or something of this magnitude. We are human, and as such, we are always going to make mistakes.

Some, like the papercut, are much easier to forgive. Others require a long, long journey. There will have to be forgiveness. This alone can be a long journey. But we can always choose to be better going forward.

And to be honest, you might slip up and feel like you have betrayed yourself again. I was in a cycle for years where I was in abusive relationships. Every time I said, "Never again." And then I did.

First of all, know that I'm not a licensed therapist. I've seen a few, but they didn't always help like I hoped they would. What really worked for me was writing. I am a big journaler, and write every day.

Not every one is big on writing. But I do strongly recommend creating something. Creations allow us to express ourselves. Our fears, our hurt, our frustrations. They also allow us to express our progress, our joys, and love.

Allowing ourselves to feel all the emotions, to fully express them, helps us to release them, and to move towards the emotions we want to feel, which allows us to make better choices.

Whatever you choose to create in expression does not have to be public, it is for your eyes only. It doesn't have to "good" in the eyes of anyone. It doesn't even matter what you use. People have healed with sound therapy (drums or singing bowls), talking things through with therapists, with writing, with painting, with quilting, with cooking... the list is endless. Find something that brings you joy while doing it, but allows you to express all the feelings that come with tragic events like this.

I hope some part of this helps, I hope you are able to forgive yourself for a choice you regret, and I hope you feel the love I have for you.