One Tip to Know When To Take Control: And When Not To

I like to talk a lot about taking control. It’s important for us to realize that we do have more power and control than we realize. However, I have been reading Brene Brown’s book Daring Greatly about vulnerability and how we can’t control things.

So how does this dichotomy of thought work? The concepts of taking control and we have no control can at first glance appear complete opposites and incapable of co-existing. You have either one or the other, right?

But what if there was a third option?

What if we were able to recognize that life isn’t always all or nothing? There is a beautiful section of middle ground where both sides are right and can find a point of agreement. It just takes a bit of work to get there.

When To Take Control

I’ve spent most of my life feeling helpless. I was a very shy and quiet type of person at one point of my life. I had a tendency to blend into the wall and people walked right past me. How could I ever make a difference if I basically didn’t exist?

Then I developed Tourette Syndrome, where I literally cannot stop or control words and sounds that come out of my mouth or movements that my body makes. I had never felt so out of control. My life was not my own and everything that happened depended on someone or something else.

My job depended on someone else hiring me.

My income was determined by the job.

My Tourette Syndrome seemed to have more command over my body than I did.

Even my social life was dictated by the amount of money I had (or didn’t have) or time I had (or didn’t have) and if other people were willing to spend time with me.

I was constantly trying to live up to everyone’s expectations except for my own.

And it was exhausting.

The most liberating day of my life was the day I failed to live up to someone else’s expectations. I realized it was impossible, and I gave up. I failed all of my classes that college semester.

The world didn’t end. The tragedy of the situation was minimal. I chose another major and still graduated from college. But it was something I wanted to study, not what would get me a good job.

Especially when looking through the lens of something like Tourette Syndrome. Too often we feel helpless and incapable of making a difference.

However, this is one of the biggest lies we tell ourselves. If we don’t have the power to make the decisions to shape our lives, who does? Why are you outsourcing one of your greatest assets?

I can almost guarantee that the answer is fear. We fear the consequences. We fear the commitment. We fear the possibility for failure. At least when we outsource our decisions, we don’t have to take the blame if things go wrong.

Problem is, you also can’t take the credit for when things go right.

You can’t pick up just one end of a stick.

Failure and success are connected by an action called choice. Taking control means picking up the stick, no matter what the result may be. You won’t know which end is which until you actually have it in your hand.

When you have an option to make a choice- take it!

Take control of your life rather than passively letting others do the work for you.

When to Let Go

There are things we can’t control. Some more obvious- like the weather. As cool as that would be, it’s just beyond me.

Others things we have a tendency to think we can and should control. But is that really the best option?

Sometimes, as much as we want that control, we need to back off.

Other people should never be controlled. Just as you have the capability to take control of your own life, so do they. Let them pick up their own stick.

This is easier said than done, I get it. People are a wild card. You never know what choices they will make. You don’t know what they will say, what they will do, how they will feel. We may want specific things from others, and while we can force those things out of them, stealing and bullying is not the best way to do that.

It’s hard to let others have the control they want in their life. But again, like the weather, it’s something we can get used to and learn to respond to. Just because I want sunshine, doesn’t mean I am going to dress in shorts and sandals. Especially not if the weather decides to snow.

Please notice that does not take away my choice to wear shorts and sandals if I want to. I still have that control to act and do what I want. However, when I stop and consider the consequences, I would rather bundle up on a snowy day.

I can’t force my boss to give me a raise. I don’t have that control. However, I do have control over how hard I work, the things that I learn and the help I extend to others. Which are usually factors that lead to a raise.

I prefer the consequences, or results, that come from hard work and education more than I want the results of doing the bare minimum and barely squeaking by.

Let’s take another lesson from Tourette Syndrome, shall we? I can’t control the noises that come out of my mouth. I can’t control how other people respond to them. But I do control what happens next.

I control if I allow myself to feel hurt or embarrassed. I control if I choose to laugh. I control what I say to them, whether I snap and make them hurt as much as I do, or choose to educate them. Maybe I do neither and we just laugh as if it was a big joke.

There are a million ways to act in that situation. And I choose which one I do. However, I do not choose to control the life of another. I have to simply take it in stride.

This is difficult. It requires a high level of vulnerability, and no one wants that. Even knowing the importance of vulnerability in my life, that doesn’t mean I want it.

Looking past the situation right in front of me though, I see that maybe it really is. I want the results on the other side of vulnerability. I want deeper and more meaningful relationships. I want to have success at work.

Basically anything we could really want are going to be on the other side of risk.

Why is there so much risk involved? Because we can’t control anyone else involved in the situation. anything involving another person is a huge risk.

People are wild cards. Let’s actually take that to the next level, people are wild cards that you don’t hold. When playing a game of cards, we all want the wild card, they increase our chances of winning. But when we don’t control how that wild card is used? That could be disastrous for us.

When we can acknowledge that we don’t have those cards or that control, we are suddenly more liberated. Rather than wishing for cards we don’t have, we can fully focus on how to utilize those in our hand and prepare for what the wild card can potentially do.

Conclusion

Taking control of my life has been one of the best things I have ever done for myself.

Letting go of my desire to control was just as liberating.

We have a tendency to see things in black and white, good and bad, desirable and repulsive.

Rarely is one thing ever just considered one of the other. We need to learn to look at the context and how to fluctuate.

Be willing to take control when you have an option. Be willing to go with the flow and accept what happens around you when you don’t.

Knowing the difference between the two is important. The ability to actually move between the two is invaluable.

So Now What?

What do you control? How to you utilize that to help you the most?

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