Tantrums & My Invictus

Do you ever have those days where you know you should take your own advice, but you really don’t want to? They are terrible.

You know what you should be doing, how you should act. You know what will make you a better person long term… but the 5 year old in you simply says, “I don’t wanna.”

Tantrums are getting thrown and you know it’s for no good reason, other than you are pissed. Initial shock and bad news does not put you in the best frame of mind. I know, I’m sitting in one right now. I am mentally throwing a tantrum. I know what would provide the most healing. I know who I should talk to and have an idea of what to say, but I would rather ignore the problem right now.

I don’t want to acknowledge that I’m hurt. It’s easier to be pissed. I know I should talk to people. I don’t wanna. I should, I should, I should… There are a lot of those. What am I doing? Shoe shopping. Retail therapy. Not my best choice.

Ice cream is next on the list.

The thing I need to remember though, is that at some point, I do need to acknowledge the hurt. If I am being objective about this, it’s fine to feel angry. Just not to get stuck there. I do have to move on to being hurt. I’m sure at some point I’ll cry. I’m sure at some point, I’ll confront people. Maybe. That’s not exactly my strong point…

I’ll have to sit and wrap my head around things at some point. Meaning I have to give it some attention.

It probably won’t take long. I’m not one to act on my anger. It’s ok to feel it, but I prefer to be more in control rather than acting on that anger. I prefer to plan what bridges I burn before I burn them. There will have to be confrontation. My anger will carry me through that, but it can’t control it.

It’s gonna suck.

But I am stronger than what happens around me and to me. I make my choices. I decide my life.

“I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul.” — Invictus